and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield
and picking up your life. Research shows that
perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the
path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Despite this deep-seated fear, a number of you seemed genuinely delighted and relieved to have someone speak about perfectionism. Having someone name the elephant in the room can, sometimes, be comforting, can’t it? We don’t feel quite so alone. (“I thought I was the only one who saw that giant elephant! Whew, so I’m not going crazy!”) One of the darker sides of being perfectionistic is that we feel quite isolated from others. We even feel cut off from ourselves. So, when someone broaches the topic, it can usher in some much needed fresh air. (You can read 10 of these excerpted comments way down below.)Only one reader had the opposite reaction. She immediately unsubscribed from our newsletter, giving this as her reason:
email about perfectionism and totally
disengaged myself from the writer/instructor
because of it.”I’m not sure what, specifically, she was uncomfortable with (I wrote her a follow-up note, and have never received a response), but I imagine it’s the chink-in-the-armor thing. I suspect that when someone points out the elephant in the room, some individuals will naturally become frightened, because, well… they are now aware that there’s a humongous elephant in the room! (“Thanks, friend, but I was trying to ignore that …I actually felt much safer when I was pretending it wasn’t there!”)
On Time (To Be or Not to Be)
In my last writing, I suggested that some of us perfectionists tend to be late for our next activity because we’re so busy trying to complete every last detail from the prior one. (And, trust me, our minds can create a truly exhaustive to-do list!)
Well, a reader told me that her spouse was both perfectionistic and punctual. Cool, I say. Not all perfectionists are late, then. For some perfectionists, being punctual is their high-priority focus, and they’re quite good at it. (You’d probably be pleased to have them serve as timekeeper for your important organizational meetings… or the point-person overseeing certain time-sensitive projects.) As I previously noted, most perfectionists will choose their own select activities to be perfect at, and invest their full focus there. And some excel at timeliness. (Alas, some of us still do not.)
But what of all those many unselected activities we’re afraid to try…how does this non-participation affect our life?
Expanding Our World
We perfectionists may not be as enthusiastic to explore new territory as others – because we, better than anyone, know how much time and energy one must invest to become expert there. (And we invariably expect ourselves to become near-expert in whatever we try.) Of course, with each new adventure comes the risk of humiliating failure (which, to us, is the same as achieving anything less than perfection). As a consequence of this disinclination to try new things, our world can start to feel constrictive and small – this, despite an impressive resumé full of stellar achievements. I know I’ve felt empty, plenty of times throughout my life. It’s a feeling that still visits me more often than I care for.
Here’s one of my antidotes, though: I’ve been attempting a lot of new things in my later life, even when there’s little chance that I’ll be perfect at them. I’ve engaged in surfing, dancing, singing, guitar, piano, writing, improvisational comedy. I treat these explorations more like play than a task to be accomplished, or a skill to be learned: I’m far from expert at any of them – and I thoroughly enjoy them all! Sometimes, I’ll even choose new challenges precisely because I know I won’t be great at them, right away. I’ll do things with my non-dominant hand or leg… or backwards… or with my eyes closed. This more relaxed and playful approach to life gives me time to learn how to become familiar with the discomfort of imperfection.
And, for me, and perfectionists like me, relaxed playfulness is a real key for happiness.
Improv comedy is a perfect example of a new activity where I feel uncomfortable a great deal of the time. Even more importantly, though, I feel comfortable and delighted at being in discomfort when I am improvising. I’m coming to understand that the discomfort is simply fear of failure – nothing more, and nothing less. I now know I can peacefully – happily, even – live with that. And it honestly feels good! In fact, this leaning into fear is proving to be quite liberating for me. I feel less fear, and more joy, excitement, and enthusiasm about life.
(For what it’s worth, we call this “practicing non-attachment”, in yoga – meaning we’re learning to let go of fretting about how the thing turns out. Good or bad, perfect or awful, we allow ourselves to enjoy the process. Sure, we always have a bunch of preferred results that we carry in our minds… that’s human. It’s just that we can become skilled at not beating ourselves up when things turn out differently. We can stop worrying so incessantly, in advance, about getting things exactly right.)
Creating Our Lives
And here’s the truly “mega” bonus of making peace with imperfection: It turns out that this mindset is the secret to creativity and spiritual connection. This is how the greatest artists operate when they are in the flow. When we can feel fear about some unwanted outcome, and dive into the thing anyways, we frequently end up creating something brand-new and unanticipated…something quite delightful. When I make mistakes, now, I don’t spend a lot of time trying to hide them – and that frees me up to actually learn and keep creating from them! All of this touches a deeper place inside of me. (Okay, old musicians joke: Hit one wrong note, and it’s called a mistake; hit a wrong note twice in a row, and that’s called jazz.)
Who knew any of this was possible…?! (I know, I know… all the imperfectionists among you, that’s who!)
[To view an upcoming workshop at The Yoga Center, click here.]
Fellow Readers
Had to Say
“Thanks, Jim. That’s one of the most hopeful musings I’ve read all year!”
“Much much gratitude for your “perfect” sharing and vulnerability!”
“Whew!! That one hit home…… deep breath….. Thanks for sharing, Jim.”
“Lovely authenticity Jim! At the core of my perfection-
ism is the fear that if I don’t get it right, I’ll lose your (whoever the other is) love and connection.”
“Wow, brother, that was honest and brave.”
“Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Jim. These are intriguing and thoughts I find relevant…”
“Jim, I am moved by your sharing. I feel myself resonating with your insights, experiencing… the absolute truth of what you’re saying. I feel appreciation for your clarity of thought, the honesty in your words, and your courage in show-
ing up exactly as you are… Thank you for this gift.”
“I loved your investigation into lateness. The transi-
tions ARE so hard, for the exact reasons you des-
cribe. The only difference for myself is that I gave up on the facade of perfection a while ago, and my need to do “just a few more things” before exiting a situation comes from a desire to have at least done “enough”. It’s kind of sad, actually. The thought process is the same, but I imagine that the bar I have set for myself is that of basic mediocrity. And it is still challenging to meet it. Ugh.”
“Thank you, Jim…I’m NOT a perfectionist and I run LATE — with a few more of the things I spot to do on my way out the door.”
“Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Jim. I get this. I have been trying for a long time to quit identifying as a perfectionist, even though I see myself performing some of these same behaviors you describe. I think I was reserved about becoming a teacher at all, mostly because I wasn’t sure I could be a perfectly organized, perfectly prepared, perfectly observant one.
“I have a teacher who celebrates her imperfection and her mistakes frequently, and it is so refreshing. I am still clumsy about laughing at myself, but I appreciate your shining a light on these awarenesses.”