“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a
deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear.
Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing
others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
Perfectionism – A Two-Edged Sword
Perfectionism is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, much of what I do, I tend to do very well. On the other hand, I spend so much time and energy trying to meet my own high standards that I don’t have enough left over to give proper attention to many other important projects on my list. Consequently, many things I’d like to do never, in fact, get done. (Unfortunately, they typically don’t even get started.)
It’s a trade-off: I can try to appear “perfect” to the world in some limited way – and thereby choose to fall way short in others (while hoping-to-god no one ever notices).
As if attending to a zillion details of minutia
weren’t challenging enough, I’ve probably
spent 95% of my “free time” in life trying to
hide my shortcomings and maneuvering
others to look only at the few things that I’ve
managed to do right. It’s been quite an
exhausting ride…
– Jim Readey (me)
Lateness
One repercussion of perfectionism is that we perfectionists may perpetually run late for things. (Unless being on time happens to be one of our perfectionist goals – then, we can be obnoxiously punctual about it.) It’s not that I don’t care about other people’s schedules or feelings. I honestly do. And it’s not that I’m all that bad at math or timekeeping – in fact, I’m quite good at both. What happens with me is, as it comes time to transition from one activity to another, I become acutely aware of five or six more things I could try to squeeze in at that moment. The ideas pop into my head suddenly, and all of them seem really important.
No Easy Fix for Perfectionism
Those who don’t struggle with perfectionism and time issues often have practical advice for those of us who do: “Well, just set a timer and, when it goes off, stop what you’re doing and move on to your next task.” Or, “Why don’t you just get up earlier in the morning – that way you’ll have more time in your day to do everything you need to do.” The problem with these suggestions is they don’t address the underlying cause.
For many of us who strive to be extremely thorough, accurate, flawless, etc., the compulsion to do more feels like a life-or-death choice, in the moment. There’s a subconscious belief that insists, I must do more in order to be safe, happy, worthy of acceptance, successful, etc. No matter what time I woke up, or how much I’ve accomplished already, there is always more that can be done. So, even if I have extra time in my day, or could finish this task on time, I can easily find more “must-do” tasks to shoehorn in.
Perfectionism is a never-ending, insatiable quest.
Conclusion
A part of me really wants to have some great point to leave you with… or to promise that I’m going to overcome my lateness habit this year. It’s the perfectionist part of me, of course. It wants me to look good in the entire world’s eyes. It believes you won’t like me, and that bad things will happen, if you see my flaws.
I’ve grown wise enough to know that I cannot guarantee if and when I’ll fix my relationship with time. (And wise enough to know that others usually see my flaws, anyways – no matter how hard I try to disguise them!) I do have a resolution, though, and I’d like to speak it out loud to you:
I’m going to look inward at my perfectionist tendencies, this year – more closely and deeply than I ever have, and in such a way as to welcome awareness and insight around this issue. Rather than try to hide from you or myself, I hereby choose to open the shades and expose what’s here to the light of day.
I feel optimistic about this … I’m not pressuring myself to be perfect in this endeavor… even just some headway would be great. Hey, I’m thinking this just might work!
Thanks for reading this, and acting as witness on this first leg of my journey. I’ll let you know how things unfold as this glorious year proceeds. (And I enthusiastically welcome your stories and sharings around any of this!)
With Joy & Laughter,
Jim Readey
“Our whole lives, it was like we were always trying so hard to be perfect – for our families and our friends, for each other – when the funny thing was, we didn’t have to. In the end, we were better than that.”
― Brenna Yovanoff, Paper Valentine
“Tilly was downcast; as with all perfectionists, it was the detail others might not notice that destroyed for her the pleasure of achievement.”
― Elspeth Huxley, The Flame Trees of Thika: Memories of an African Childhood
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
― Michael Law
Thank you, thank you, and thank you!! You have put into words my daily struggles. It is interesting how I can be completely perfectionistic in some aspects of my life, while other areas are completely neglected. Perfect example: I will do my very best to conceal all of my flaws in hopes of achieving the perfect look before I leave the house, but then I fail to be on time. I know I need to start learning to let things go and just accept a judgment other than perfect. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Hi Mel,
I’m so glad to bring a little comfort into your day … it feels good to me everytime I hear from someone who resonates with my story, as well. One of the things I don’t think I mentioned in the blog is just how isolating it can feel to be striving for perfection — while continually falling short of it and, therefore, feeling like we have to hide our true self from view of the world. To be constantly in hiding, in other words, is a very lonely experience. So, you’re welcome and thank you for sharing your story, too!
Here’s an idea (or two), fwiw. As a teacher, I can’t really help myself … or, maybe I should say, as a recovering perfectionist. In any case, I offer it not only to you, but to myself, plus all the other perfectionists out there who can relate to our shared perspective. Instead of thinking that we “need to” start letting things go (which is the kind of self-talk I hear frequently in my work, and which I translate as additional perfectionist striving, heaped onto the already considerable pile of to-do’s we regularly assign ourselves), we all might consider this: Let’s get in touch with the underlying desire for letting things go — let’s feel the desire for this action. Otherwise, the idea of “needing to” can take over as a subtle kind of or else threat, which will then engender more fear-based living. (E.g., “I want to learn to let things go … I want my energy to feel flowing … I want to feel more relaxed and happier … I want my relaxation and happiness to inspire those around me … I want them to then re-inspire me … I want to live in joy,” etc.)
Secondly, “just accepting” something (less-than-perfect judgements about ourselves, as you suggested) often leaves us feeling the low-vibrational energy of resignation. It’s usually not uplifting to “just accept” something, in other words. A more satisfying response might be to learn to feel and observe whatever’s arising within us. For example: feeling the fear we have of being judged as having failed; the deep shame we feel for having come up short of expectations; the frustration we feel at not acing the activity; the anger we feel towards anyone we might think to blame for “causing” us to fail; the fear we have of being rejected by others, etc. To feel it all, in other words … and to notice the various thoughts and voices that go along with all these feelings. This is meditation-in-action and, as far as I know, the only way to liberate ourselves from the self-inflicted suffering of perfectionism.
How do these ideas land with you…?
Wishing you much
Peace & Joy,
Jim